"We got that attitude!"

For everyone in the world (well, maybe not everyone), it was just another Thursday. For me, it was moving day at work and an optional practice day at softball...that was, until I woke up.

As I stirred to the incessant beeping of my alarm clock, my phone rang with a text message from one of my girls: "Don't worry about the email I sent you, it's nothing. I'm over it." Dear god, I thought to myself sarcastically, today's going to be a good day.

Though the email, which I'll skip on the majority of the details, wasn't a happy one, it definitely brought a smile to my face. Even a few tears. "Why do you care?" it asked me. "Why do you try and help out an angsty 16-year-old...or 10 of them for that matter?"

"Why?" I wondered over and over again as I showered, dressed, made my lunch and left for work. "Why, indeed!?"

The email came from one of the girls on the team to whom I'm closest. And as I made my way to work, it hit me. In fact, as I said "hey," "thanks" and "have a great day" to the expressway's toll attendant, it hit me: "This is exactly why." Because an email came in to me in the middle of the night (I won't say when), from someone who cared enough to think about why I cared.

Okay, I know that reasoning was a bit weird, but I'm not a morning person. And, to put it in an adult perspective, it's like your husband/wife rolling over in the morning and asking, "Why are you still with me?" ...Not really cool, right?

But, really, it means that someone's thinking about you. That they're -- on some level -- appreciating what you do.

Now, I don't do what I do for the compliments, awards, trophies or appreciation. I do it because I love it; but I wouldn't love it so much, I think, if it didn't mean something...if I wasn't actually helping an angsty 16-year-old or two. It wasn't so long ago that I was that angsty 16-year-old, and I know this sounds cocky but I wish I had someone like "me" around to help me out.

In college, when we read "Alice in Wonderland" we talked about why Lewis Carroll wrote the book. The story I heard was that he just wanted to write something he'd like to read. That's the way I'd like to live, and coach. It's like the golden rule. I'd want someone to be positive, someone to be there for me, someone to pick me up when I'm down; so, that's what I do. The fact that I'm actually doing that makes my whole week.

Really, any time I get to see those girls it makes my week. They've always got a story, even if it's just about what they ate for lunch, and it's always such a different perspective on life. It's those moments when I realize that my life up to that point is minimal. Sure, I love and give my all to work. Sure, I love and give my all to my friends and family. But seeing those girls smile, succeed and grow into women is what really makes my heart tick. Sometimes I wonder how I got by all this time without that.

So, you know what? "[I] don't care what you may say, [I've] got that attitude. Don't care what you may do, [I've] got that attitude. [I've] got that PMA!" Bring on the bad emails, bring on the emo. Bring on the angst and the drama. Bring it, I'm here to stay...whether or not you like it. Because I like it. Because I've got that Postive Mental Attitude.

A success of sorts--lots and lots of sorts

"Wow." That's all I could tell my girls after we lost our game this morning.

I honestly went into this weekend, thinking that we'd just have to survive. Figured we'd need a "B(itch) session" to let everyone express their frustrations this week. Figured I'd come out of this weekend with a notebook full of all the things we'd need to work on. But no.

We went 1-3 overall, but every game was better than the last. Our game this morning was stellar. A real great game. The girls gave 116% every pitch. And in the end, it came to a bad call on my part. We were up 3-1 against a team that ran us over yesterday (but a team we could beat) in the bottom of the 7th. That's when I switched pitchers. Granted my starter was getting tired and they were starting to hit her, but I should've let her stick it out for at least one out. We lost 4-3 with 1 out, on a sac fly and a close play at home.

My girls deserved that W. They earned it. I've never been so disappointed in myself in so long. But I trusted my closer pitcher. I thought she could come in and throw the other team for a loop. I should've known she'd need more time to find her rhythm. But just like the girls, I'm learning, too.

The best consolation I ever heard in my life is: "When two teams step onto a field, one will win and the other will lose." In this game, though, that definitely wasn't the case. Both teams walked away winners. We won that game fair and square for six and a half innings; they capitalized on my bad decision and pulled out the W. Yes, on paper we got the L, but we really did win.

I learned my lesson. I'll never do it again unless I absolutely have to. We shoud've been in the championship game today, but...

There will be plenty more tournaments, and even more games. We're lined up for seven more tournaments, including Nationals. I just hate that my girls proved so much this weekend and I let them down.

Damn. Really, that's all I can say now. We had a really bad 1st inning of the first game...after that, it was like a whole new team, a better team, each inning of each game. I've never been so proud in my life. They hit great, they had awesome plays in the field, they knew where the plays were, they communicated, they followed the coaches' instructions, they put up a helluva fight. Damn. Wow. That is not the team I'd been coaching the last 8 months. Yes--don't get me wrong!!--I knew they were a decent set of ballplayers, but they came together and played as a TEAM. Two weeks ago, before I left on my trip, I didn't have a team...I had a group of girls. This weekend, they all proved me wrong...I had a real team the whole time.

Now, I'm still learning what combinations work well and what my line-up strategy is, but that will come with time. As soon as I get that, we're straight.

All-in-all, I walked away from the tournament this morning with a HUGE smile on my face. I'm too excited for our next tournament. We don't play again until June 5th, and I lose a lot of girls this week to Varsity playoffs. So, as much as I don't want to take the time off and lose our momentum, I know we can get it back...and come out on top next time.

Watch out Virginia, my 16s are coming for your trophies. We're crazy and that's the way we like it.

No day like...tomorrow?

Growing up, I went through a bit of a showtunes phase. Odd--I know, right? Anyway, Les Mis, RENT, The Sound of Music, Carosel, etc., etc. If my brother's drama club or my opera-singing friend performed it, I probably sang along to it in my room (when no one was watching).

After my showtunes phase, I fell into music...hard. Music became an outlet for me to express my anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, excitement, lethargy, whatever. So, these days, I feel like I have a song for everything.

I've got an at-bat song: "Time Bomb," Dismemberment Plan (Yes, this is the song they used for me in college.)
I've got a fight song: "Tech Triumph," Wilfred P. Maddux (class of 1920) ... Hokie Hokie Hokie Hi!
I've got a party song: "LGFAD," Motion City Soundtrack (had to omit the language)
I've got a frustration song: "Epoch Coda," Emarosa
I've got a betrayal song: "Seventy Times 7," Brand New
I've got a "don't mess with me" song: "I Am Hollywood," He Is Legend
I've got a hopeless song: "Does He Love You?," Rilo Kiley

I've got a calm-down song: "(This is) The Dream of Evan and Chan," Dntel ft. Ben Gibbard (AKA The Postal Service)
I've got a contentment song: "Passenger Seat," Death Cab for Cutie
I've got a conviction song: "Here's to Life," Streetlight Manifesto
I've got an epiphany song: "Redy Sky," Thrice
...Well, the list just goes on and on...not including the slew of songs I've written myself.

But when I think about everything I have to achieve, before I'm in a place to actually achieve it, I think of the reprise at the end of RENT:

There is no future, no is no past....
There's only us, there's only this.
Forget regret,
Or life is yours to miss.
No other road,
No other way.
No day but today.

I guess this version is really a song of looking back at one's actions and deciding to take a better path from that moment on, but it just reminds me that I never want to sing that song in retrospect. So, I sing it as a precaution.

Tomorrow begins my first tournament season as a (head) coach and all I can hope for now is that "I wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy." ...And that I remember to live as if there's "no day but today."

What, Me Worry?

Why on Earth would I be worried? It's not like I've never coached a softball game before. It's not like I haven't spent the last 8 months training with my 16s for this. Most importantly, it's not like this is the biggest tournament of my or the team's careers.

Still, we've got 3 more days to go and my insides are starting to knot up. I've never given a pre-game pep-talk before. I've never been a real third base coach (with signs and strategy) before. I wasn't there at this Sunday's practice to see all the girls one last time before we all get together for warm-ups on Saturday morning.

Oh, sure, the list goes on but in times like these I always go back to that first list: the things I can do. And I just repeat it to myself (sometimes out loud) until I believe that I actually can do it all.

My high school math teacher used to always say, "If you're stuck on a problem, don't think about what you DON'T know. Just think about all the things you DO know and put those pieces together." If anything, it got you partial points for working through the problem and it did help calm you down so you could think straight. Usually, though, it helped you realize that you can figure out what you don't know in order to solve the problem.

So, here's everything (well, an abbreviated list...see "Softball 101" for more) that I do know.

• I know all my girls. I know their strengths and weaknesses. I know their smiles and their laughs. I know their frustrations and their "tude" problems. I've even seen some of their tears.
• I know all my assistant coaches. And I know they're behind me 100%. I know they're willing to help. I know they're great at what they do.
• I know my co-head coach will be there to help me whenever and however I need it. I know I can trust her with even the stupidest of questions. I know she'll step in even if I'm too stupid to ask for help.
• I know my book-keeper/score-keeper. Enough said, right?
• I know "umpires." I've seen every call that could ever be possibly called on every play possible. I know how to talk to umpires. I know when to talk to umpires. I know how to pull other coaches away from umpires :)
• I know the parents. I know they're supportive. I know they know the rules about not talking to the girls and staying away from the dug-out during games.
• I know how to play a tournament. I know what food to bring. (Mental note: just got back from a 4-day cruise; ate entire contents of refrigerator prior to the trip; must go to the grocery store.) I know how much water to bring. I know that suntan lotion, sunglasses and a hat are always the first things you put in your bag.
• I know how to do laundry during a tournament...and since I just got back from a cruise, I should probably do some!
• I know how to sleep before a game. I've only done it about 3 million times, which means I've made this list about 2,999,999 times before.

And on that note, I think I'm finally calm enough again to go relax, do some reading and get a good night's sleep. :-D

By the way, I'm reading "Coaching Fastpitch Softball Successfully" by Kathy Veroni and Roanna Brazier right now. I got some strange looks when I was reading it pool-side on the cruise ship, but I highly recommend it. And if any of you who read this blog have read that book, I'd love to hear your comments on it!

Over the river and through the woods...in an ambulance...on Mother's Day

When I was in high school, our tournament schedule started slightly sooner than the tournament schedule for my 16s today. And thank god. I'm really not sure how my parents did it...playing all the way through May (during high school ball), June and July. It's quite a strain on the mind, back, neck and back-pocket.

I gave my girls the weekend off so they could truly enjoy their mothers, hoping they'd realize that they won't see much of their moms for the rest of the summer. Oh sure, they'll spend countless hours with those fine women, who took (and take) the time to raise them, in the car on the way to practice and tournaments...only to pass them off to me, a sort of weekend babysitter, if you will. But those hours, I gaurantee you, will be spent with iPods on and eyes shut. They're 16, after all.

Or, if you're anything like me, those hours would be spent in the ER...on the way from the CAT scan to the X-Ray machine and back. I made quite a few of those trips in my day but one really stands out in my mind, even though the details are a bit fuzzy.

It was probably 2000, which means I was about 15, when our tournament in Catonsville, MD came to a very quick end for me on that Sunday, Mother's Day. A foul ball that the umpire didn't call loud enough, a hefty girl that hit the foul ball and barrelled down into me at first base, sirens, an oxygen mask, a body board and then a long ride to the hospital swept me away from the single-elimination game we were already losing. I don't remember all of it to this day, but I remember it was Mother's Day. I remember the look on my father's face and the phone call he made to my mother, as an Australian parimedic tried to keep me calm.

I'll never forget the way my mom rushed to the hospital, dropping whatever she was doing just to be with me. All my other coaches rushed over after the game, too, just as worried as my parents were.

So, it's times like those that make me remember how tournament teams really work: It's a big family. At the head of that family are the coaches (the surrogate mommies and daddies), then you've got all the daughters (the players). I'm not asking for a thank you or a happy mother's day card; don't think I've earned it yet :-D. But I'm just proud to be a part of all the girls' lives, helping them grow into mature women (and great softball players!). I've only been working with the 16s for 8 months now, but I'm getting a little teary just thinking about them going off to college and "leaving me behind." Haha, oh to be a woman.

I've got my mother to thank for everything from day one to day 8,778 (today). And I can't thank my co-head coach, the "bad cop," enough either for all her guidance over the last 8 months.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has children, especially daughters...regardless if their yours by birth, marriage, mentorship, team, etc., etc.

Just tell yourself everything is okay, and--VOILA!

See what happens when you just have some faith? I lost it for one night, but got it back today before a one-on-one with one of my catchers. And I'll be damned if she didn't blow my mind tonight.

I knew there'd be distractions--including my 12U team practicing on the next field--and she's one that I can lose to distractions fairly easily, so I made her promise to give me 100% tonight. She gave me 110% for nearly ALL of our 2-hour practice. Plus, her footwork was stellar (even though we just started talking about it tonight) and she was very open to constructive criticism (instead of shutting down from it).

I don't know what to else to say besides, "BOOYAH." I mean, we use a water jug as a target for throwdowns and she broke it. She f'ing shattered the plastic. Now I have to buy a new water jug. But a $5 water jug in comparison to some really, really great form and strength? ...I think I can afford it!

BOOM! BOOYAH! FANCY! YOU KNOW!

Well that was emo...

Apologies for the intense post last night. Just one of those nights, you know? Truth is, I have 100% faith in all of my girls on every team and every day I get to work with them is the happiest day of my life, even if it is a struggle. But like Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) says in A League of Their Own, "There's no crying in baseball!"

Wait...that wasn't the quote I wanted. Here it is:
"It's supposed to be hard....The hard is what makes it great."

I'd remove that post from last night, but all of it was true. It was just poorly delivered. As coach I have to remember that I can't just let go like that; because people rely on me; because I'm supposed to be a good role model for my girls; because I have to be a brand ambassador for my teams at all times. Plus, I'm nearly 25...I should know better than to lose my head like that! :-D

A friend at work asked me today to name my "brand pillars" for a blog she is writing, and it got me thinking about all that I just mentioned above. I mean, what does it really mean to be a coach?

Since you're here, you might as well get my opinion on it:

• First and foremost, my job is to mentor the girls and help them become all that they can be on and off the field. And sometimes that means disciplining them, as I touched on last night.
• Second, I have to be a leader. I'm the one that knows best (hopefully, right?!), so I call the shots. I'm the "general" on the field, and I have to be able to effectively communicate with the "captains" and "soldiers" on the field so that the whole unit moves as one...in the direction of victory.
• Lastly, I've got to be a cheerleader. I've got to be the girls' number one fan and encourage them 100% along the way.

What do you think? Have I got my priorities straight or am I missing something here?

Long lapse in blogging, but not judgement...

It's been a good while since I blogged last. I wholeheartedly apologize for that. There's no excuse, really. And between practices for my 12s and 16s, games for my 12s, watching the high school games for my 16s and games for my adult league, I've had very little time to think about anything besides softball. I just haven't, oddly enough, had time to blog about softball.

To be honest, A LOT has happened. I've got problems and success stories on both teams that I would really love to blog about and, while I spend every other waking minute thinking about them, I'm still not ready to blog about it fully. Below, as you'll notice, I'll cover the major problems...because, at this point, it's all I can think about. Negativity has hit me like a water balloon to the face--no literal pun meant about anyone who may have thrown a water balloon straight at my face at a certain 16s practice recently...

On my 12U softball team, I've got a serious confidence problem. No one's swinging because they're scared. And no plays are being made becuase they're not sure what to do. We've got a lot to work on as far as giving softball 115% and knowing what to do. We're having an extra practice tomorrow to go over all these things. I'll be doing a one-on-one with one of my 16s for most of the time, but I'll at least be close to by to keep a close eye out.

On my 16U softball team, we've got a serious "tude" problem, which is the least of our problems, I think. Some of my girls feel "left out" -- because travel ball is more like a family than "just a team" -- and some of my girls feel like they're being bossed around by the others. We've also got one F in school (there is no sarcastic joke here because I'm so disappointed, and I won't even go into the punishments involved), a slew of Cs and Ds, two suspensions and more injuries than I care to admit (meaning nearly every girl).

In other words, I have a lot to think about and plan out. And between the one-one-one I have tomorrow with one of my 16s, plus the 12U practice, plus high school games on Wednesday and Thursday, then Mother's Day weekend, I'm really not sure when I'll get a chance to think about it all. I mean, I'll definitely think about it all every spare second I get from work and just before I fall asleep at night, but I'm not sure I'll get a productive minute to think about it.

To be honest, I feel so frustrated beyond belief right now that I shouldn't even be blogging. I've got so much to write in my diary, but now I'm way too tired to do that and it's nearly 2am so I should definitely go go bed. Who has the time to deal with this stuff? I have no idea how parents do it...